Reef-er

Today, then. Snorkeling, and lots of it. We have a 'fixer' on the island called 'Ali'. I've now established that his name is Ali Muhummed, and not 'Ali Baba', as Rob refers to him. He's a guide-cum-liaison-cum-tour rep. He's dark skinned, but that of the Arab rather than the native central African. He has fascinating eyebrows, and the sort of tight afro that fits easily under one of the traditional 'cloth flowerpot' hats they have here, yet springs up and out instantly the moment it's removed (presumably when Ali is either threatened or courting). He was in the minibus with us from the ferry, giving us a briefing on the various optional activities.

Today, as I mentioned, we were off on one of the traditional wooden Dhows to a local island where there are many reefs. This was the first time I'd done any sort of diving since I did the Freedive course in the SETT tank at Portsmouth naval base. While I haven't practiced religiously, it would be interesting to see if it had made any difference. The plan was to sail to Mbemba – a privately-owned island that's a marine reserve and the preserve of the rich and famous. Bill Gates and Naomi Campbell holiday here (although rarely, I'd guess, at the same time). Consequently, they have patrols ensuring us proles don't stand on the coral or go ashore. Any sort of standing, then, is either 'standing on coral', or 'ashore'. So don't stand up, Ali tells us. Yes, Ali is a 'snorkeling guide', too.

We sailed straight off the beach, passing a school of dolphins en route. We also dropped the cook off in the shallows of a nearby beach. It was funny watching him guiding his big coolbox, Kingfish balanced on the top, into the shallows. He was to cook for us while we were away getting wet. The snorkeling itself was fantastic, and I really want to do more of it – more freediving (yes, that'll be when I'm not surfing and kayaking, writing a book, playing the piano and curing cancer. It's good to have goals.)

I'm sure I spent more time under water, and I'm sure I was able to go deeper than before, and stay down for a tad longer. I loved it. Of course, I managed to injure myself. I now have a big scab across my shoulder. I was, inevitably, showing off. I was finning along the bottom on my back, about seven metres down. I went straight into a rock. Twat.

Some words about my new tent/room-mate, Matt. He's very strange kettle of fish, is Matt. I can't work out what he's about. I had a feeling he was slightly odd on the first night, when he asked me a few slightly obvious questions, but it's been more interesting to observe him from a distance. I don't know if he's actually a 'proper' racist, or if he just has no tact, but he tells rather unfunny racist jokes. Not only that, he does it as an opener! I was sitting round the camp fire at Kemba, waiting for dinner. He sat down to blonde Rachel (she-who-is-now 'Rob 'n' Rachel'). Rachel is very English, very well brought up and very well-mannered. When it was announced that we were going to Ellsamere for 'afternoon tea', I just knew it would be Rachel's favourite thing. She's well spoken, never swears, never raises her voice and it takes an awful lot for her to utter a word of criticism above, 'Well, they're not really my kind of people.' Picture painted, Matt sits down, turns to her and says, 'A priest and a rabbi are driving along the road one day...' The punchline was as tasteless as you'd expect. I was open-mouthed, and Rachel could do nothing more than utter a strangled squawk. I'm not overly-judgemental about people who tell offensive jokes, as long as they're funny. Why not, though, why not kick off with a non-rascist joke, just for the craic. You know, test the waters. He's managed to thoroughly piss off Ellie, too, by explaining to her in no uncertain terms why Britain is not part of the EU. Interesting guy. I've heard a rumour – which may have come from him – that he might have ADD. This would make sense, as he spends a lot of time sleeping, too. That's when he's not smoking copious amounts of weed.

(The title only took me ten minutes, too. Quite pleased with it.)